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Sep. 7th, 2010 | 03:19 pm


Discovery

I was an empty shell,
hidden in sand and shallow water.

You were the boy who dug me out
and filled me with life
when you placed me in your
little red bucket
and called me beautiful.


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what to do with my summer....

Apr. 30th, 2010 | 05:09 pm


So  this summer I will once again be stuck working at a grocery store as a cashier working varying hours on 1st/2nd shift.  I tried to work 3rd, but apparently there are already enough people on third shift.  Which means that my schedule is going to be so different from week to week that the likelihood of me finding a second job that is super flexible is slim.  So instead, I'm thinking about volunteering.  The trouble is, there are SO many places that I'm interested in volunteering at! And none of them have anything to do with my major or career path.  But that's alright.  I can't really get a job volunteering at a hospital that involves seeing patients and making diagnoses until I've got my degree anyway.  I'm thinking about volunteering at a shelter for women and children who have been victims of domestic violence.  I'd be a tutor, either for the kids with their homework, or to the women who are working on getting their GED's.  I've been their before in the past to volunteer with a girl scouts to help babysit and decorate Easter eggs, but I think being there a lot over the summer will really motivate me and give me a chance to motivate others. 

So, in short, go out and volunteer! Either for a few hours or a couple days a week.  It doesn't matter as long as you help make a difference! And I guarantee you'll learn a lot about yourself in the process.


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Epic Weekend Coming Up!

Mar. 3rd, 2010 | 12:46 pm

I'm doing a race with my roommate this weekend that's pretty much an adventure run. 7 miles through a mountain (mostly up!) some of it not on trails and all of it through the snow and mud! Apparently there's a part at mile 6 where it's so steep you have to bear crawl up the mountain. Not to mention we have awesome outfits picked out and ready to distract people from our probable slowness. But I have a feeling that this is one of those races that is about fun and not about times. I'm really looking forward to it before I have to go home and face everything that's going on at home over spring break. But my mom IS promising to make me yummy vegan food when I get home, so that's one thing to look forward to I guess.

So if you happen to be running the Geisinger Humdinger, I'm one of those crazy girls with the rainbow knee high socks and the neon painted shirts and the super bright shorts. Don't judge. You know you wish you could be that colorful!


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Vegan Adventures

Feb. 18th, 2010 | 02:05 pm


In an attempt to get back to my pre-college physique, and under the  guise of giving up something for Lent, I have decided go vegan.  It's day 2 without dairy, and although I missed cheese and sour cream on my tacos today, I don't feel like I'm completely unhappy with the foods I'm allowed to eat.  Going home this weekend will be a challenge though.  At home, pasta, bread, and cheese are some of the main food groups and my mom has never cooked vegan before.  

this should be an adventure...   


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Belief

Feb. 6th, 2010 | 08:50 pm
mood: confusedconfused

After 12 years of Catholic schooling and a deeply religious boyfriend, I'm finding myself free to believe what I feel and not be influenced by people who want me to believe what they believe.  It's not that I'm not a spiritual person.  I just feel like organized religion is for people who don't know what they believe; people who need to be told what to feel.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that someone or something put me on this earth and when I die something is going to happen to me, but I'm not sure how I feel about picturing this something as an old man in the sky.  I feel like organized religions try to push their beliefs on others and some are downright hypocritical. (ie preaching to love and accept everyone while being extremely anti-homosexual) I'm not quite sure how people can find it so easy to look down on others, when they themselves, as per their religion, should be striving to feel compassion for everyone.
Maybe I'll share what I believe. I'm a spiritual person.  I feel a sense of a greater being when I'm alone outside.  I feel like when I die, heaven will be a trail run through the forest.  Being alone and seeing how beautiful the world could be gives me hope.  I believe in not intentionally hurting others and using common sense to tell right from wrong.  I think we need to be more understanding and accepting. I think people need to get to know themselves better to understand others.

Go and run. Feel nature. Discover religion.


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Happiness

Jan. 30th, 2010 | 02:47 pm
mood: artsy


 

While going through my old pictures, I came across this one. I remember the day that I took it the weather was finally starting to get warm. That was a good day. I look at this picture and see happiness and hope. I see dreams reflected in the water. The wind was rustling the branches of the tree, the water quietly whispered as it passed through the stream bed, and the sun shone down like gold. 
Looking at this picture, I see everything that I hoped would happen back then. I see the hopes of a naive girl lost in a love as thick and warm as a blanket. I see the dream of always being with him. I see the happiness I feel when I'm with him. 



 

This is me now. Balanced on the edge of here and there, of acceptance and denial, of friendship and love. Picking and choosing my steps carefully as not to fall over and destroy everything. Navigating treacherous terrain and holding on to hope like the edge of a cliff.

Time for a run. Running will keep me sane.


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Upside Down

Jan. 28th, 2010 | 10:34 pm
mood: lonelylonely


I'm feeling upside down right now.
It's so weird being single after four and a half years. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. I also have no idea what I'm going to do with my life after college. I don't have the credentials to get into med school. At least I don't think I do. I kind of want to join the army or the peace corps or do something meaningful that will help people who need it. My family would be very upset if I did something like that. They just want me to be successful and happy, but I'm not sure how to do that.
It's the oddest feeling to know what you want out of life but aren't sure how to get there. It just seems as if everything can be so hard sometimes, not even worth trying.
I sometimes think about just giving up. But I want so very much to be happy all the time and to have a happy family someday.

But despite feeling so down when I'm alone, when I'm around people I feel fine. It's so confusing. The only time I feel good alone is when I'm running. Running will save me, I think.


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not one of the greatest days in the world...

Mar. 20th, 2009 | 12:25 am
mood: sadsad

today is just one of those horrible days.  the stress of the week is finally catching up with me.  yesterday i looked in the mirror and i saw what everyone else sees me as.  i saw myself as thin and healthy looking.  but when i looked again later, it was just me again. i wish i could be how i used to be.  college is not the escape i had hoped.  no privacy, no sleep, and food that makes you fat.  and it complicates perfectly fine relationships.  i should just stop caring and do whatever i feel like and live with the consequences.  I want to see the world. i want everyone to know who i am and what i can be.  but mostly i just want to know that i will always be happy.  because even though i'm not tonight, i normally am.  at least with my friends.  in my relationship.  its scary to think that something that has been okay for 4 years is going to be ending within the next couple months without anything being wrong.  

i need to find something to make this better. 

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(no subject)

Dec. 5th, 2008 | 07:12 pm

You,
circling away from me,
your forces pressing me outward
to the edge of your universe.
Let me be your sun again.
Let me bring warmth
back into your world.
My light is lost 
in the darkness of an
eternity with out you. 

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poetical musings

Nov. 5th, 2008 | 07:46 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative

A Picture

A picture sits on my bureau
ignorant of the glares my room sends it.
As peach, plum, grape, and berry hues of roses
blush across the canvas--
white, black, burgundy walls glower angrily.
The picture, enclosed in gaudy plastic,
spills the colorful manner of its creator
out into my serious room.
The perfection of a pale pink rose--
its mouth open wide--
can be only intrusive in a place meant
to shelter secret flaws.


Metro


Shooting out of the shadows
like a star across the night sky,
a lone headlight chases away
the darkness at the end of the tunnel.
Anonymous passengers rush off and on
hurrying to start the day,
waiting in stony silence,
sleepiness, or hushed tones for the next train.
Above, the darkness fades
as the morning blossoms.


Mute

Like strangers on a bus
we watch the world go by
and never speak a word about it.
Miles pass, cities fly by,
and yet we have nothing to say.
Living in complete silence
with everything in common but
nothing to share except
the destinations that hold us together
and the thoughts that keep us
to ourselves.


Black and White

Red converse high-tops clashing with the white decor,
he sits at his piano;
melodies as soft and soothing as fleece envelop me.
Warm hands on cold ivory
contrasting as chords climax.
Eyes shut--
he plays from dreams alone,
his music softly speaking volumes.

This song is our secret,
his love expressed in intervals and octaves,
hopes, fears- colorful as the spectrum
made black and white.


Run

Flashes of color burst
through trees like fireworks
of a steamy summer night as I run.
The sun, ever brighter,
shines down like a spotlight,
heating and illuminating my race.

Sprinting uphill as the
steep slope tempts me to slow my pace.
"You can catch up to her"
they shout at me as I round the corner
to the finish.  My throat tightens;
I can't breathe.

We run faster through cheers.
Sprinting, crying, racing
over fields to rainbows of flags.
I win.


Elegy for Unspoken Words

The thoughts stick to my mind in little droplets,
rain to a spider's web.
Each shimmering bead contains
a secret we will never know.

I try to shake them free.
They only fall
and drop into a rushing stream
where I can never think them,
you can never hear them,
they will never be born.

Lost forever to the river of unconsciousness.

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